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News and Notes!
The Marriage Fully Alive
Field Guide due out in the coming months! Our guide to assisting you in
living more alive is in the works and will be available in the coming
months. You'll be the first to know when its out!
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Greetings,
I don't
know how your Holiday Season went, mine involved lots of travel and
sick kids. Other than that, it was a great time to spend with family.
As we venture into 2008, what kind of year do you want it to be? A year
from now, what do you want to be able to say you accomplished and
experienced in 2008? Where do you want your relationship to be then?
This month we start the adventure by exploring some life and
relationship "how to's." We hope you and your spouse will try a few of
these out. Let us know how it goes. We are always looking for what
works and what doesn't. Welcome to 2008!
Keep
exploring!
Corey
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New
Life Design tools!
Last month
as part of our new website, a few new tools were added to assist you in
living more balanced and living more in line with your values and
priorities. If you haven't checked out these tools yet, hop over to our
site and do so. They are located in the Coaching section.
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How to have
passion and adventure in marriage with kids still living in the
home.
During the month
of January there are going to be a series of “how to” articles dealing
with life and relationship design. To kick off this series, let’s
tackle the fact that while there are children in the home the marriage
relationship often seems to be thrown to the background. The
schedule revolves around feedings, changing, bedtime, bath time,
homework, and on it goes. It is inevitable that just when you think the
kids are asleep, and you make a move with your spouse, the baby starts
crying or your other child ends up standing at the foot of the bed.
Passion wanes. Time for adventure disappears. It is, however, possible
to capture time with your spouse before passion fades. Here are a
few ideas:
1. Establish a schedule.
This is not only great for the kids and their development; it also
helps create time for each other. This could be done as simply as
scheduling a weekly dinner or lunch date. A coffee break together. Or a
regular sexual encounter together (scheduling this does not lessen the
passion and heat despite the lack of spontaneity; you can be
spontaneous during the encounter). By having something scheduled, you
create room for anticipation.
2. Utilize babysitters or
family members. There are many very capable teenagers out
there interested in earning a little bit of money while you take your
spouse out for the evening. The beauty of this option is the kids get
someone new to play and interact with, while you get a break together.
Be sure to plan out the evening away in order to ensure you don’t
return home until after the kids are in bed asleep. That way, if the
date has gone well, there will be the possibility of being invited in
for an uninterrupted “nightcap.” To create a greater flow towards the
end of the date, look for a babysitter that either drives or can get to
and from your home easily. An even better option is to utilize family
members that live nearby. It is amazing to me the number of couples I
have met that have not had their kids stay over night with family
members or friends. Not only do you and your spouse benefit from this
time, your kids do as well. They experience an expanded range of people
who love and care for them. This can set a foundation for greater
self-confidence and growth as they develop. It also begins to create a
village mindset in the raising of your children. The best thing about
the family option is the likelihood that the kids would be out of the
house the whole night.
3. Secret signals or code
words. It is often difficult to have conversations that may
lead to deeper more intimate connections when you are interrupted every
five minutes by one kid tattling on the other or needing something from
you for their homework or wardrobe. This can be overcome by creating
another language or codes to use with each other. This language or code
should be based on whatever you would be saying to each other if given
the opportunity. If this type of language is not part of your normal
dialogue, then it would need to be created all together. It could be as
simple as lighting a candle that is centrally located in the home as a
signal one of the parties is interested in an encounter. Whether
the encounter is sexual or emotional is up to you. Or it could be as
complex as learning a second language. How great of a motivation would
it be if you were trying to woo your spouse in another language? And if
your kids begin to understand the language, they would only discover
more about the love and desire you have for your spouse. There are far
worse things they probably already know about you.
4. Be a lover to your kid's
other parent. As your kids grow older, there is nothing wrong
with informing them of your plans to be alone with your spouse. You
don’t have to give all the details, but claim the time you want to
spend with your spouse and let the kids know they are not invited to
join or interrupt. When your spouse and the marriage are a priority,
the kids benefit. In fact, research is now showing that when the
marriage is the focus rather than the kids, it is better for the
family. I have always believed that the best thing you can do for your
kids is to love your spouse. Let them also appropriately see you love
them as well. Hold hands, talk, hug, kiss, sit by each other, and
cuddle in front of your kids. They may be jealous that they aren’t
getting the attention, but in time, they’ll be glad you paved the way
for their relationships.
Kids in the home present some
obstacles to passion in marriage, but they aren’t the only reason
passion wanes. By overcoming the hurdles of kids, you are faced with
what else may be going on in the marriage. The kids can provide a
buffer for a stale marriage. If that’s the case, more work will need to
be done individually and relationally to address the other concerns.
Marriage is work. But the things in life that require work are more
valuable and more worth it.
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God Bless,
Marriage
Fully Alive® |
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