Man Up:
It's Just Window Shopping, Right?
I’m sitting at
Panera one morning and notice a group of guys meeting together. The
interesting thing about this is the way they were interacting with each
other and those around them. The guys were obviously friends and
enjoyed their time together, but every time an attractive woman walked
in, each one of them noticed. They noticed to the point that their
conversations stopped for a moment in order to take in the new addition
to the scene. While they said nothing to each other about the objects
of their glares, they definitely stared.
Men are visual
creatures. It’s hard wired. I’m not disputing this. The issue I have is
each one of the guys was wearing a wedding ring and to top it off, at
the end of their breakfast meeting, they prayed together. Not to come
across judgmental but it seems to me if you are willing to pray with
others in public, you are declaring you have a spiritual basis for your
life and your actions.
Now before you
respond with, “hey, they were just looking, there’s nothing wrong with
a little window shopping,” let me ask you, really?
While there is
nothing wrong with the quick glance to notice those around us, the
lingering stare is a path to trouble. While the stare may not lead to
an affair, it can lead to a mind wandering.
Most men don’t
need any help in the mind wandering department. Our thoughts can go all
over the place without any encouragement from visual stimulation. If we
could truly read people’s thoughts, many of us may be locked up.
By ogling
other women, we open the door to the “what if…?” thoughts. We begin to
wonder about other people beyond our wife. We begin to wish our spouse
looked, dressed, or acted a certain way. Frankly, women are under
enough pressure as it is in the body image department. We don’t need to
add to it.
Let’s explore
a little down the path ogling other women leads. You’re going through
your day and an attractive woman walks by in a revealing outfit. You
take good notice and continue on about your day. That night, while
interacting with your wife, her picture comes back into your mind. You
disconnect from your spouse. The more this happens, the harder it
becomes to fully engage again. You begin fantasizing about other women
during sex. Your wife will notice the disconnect and most likely think
she’s at fault. She’ll personalize the fact that you’re not into her,
thus furthering the growing gulf between you. Soon, your interactions,
sexual and otherwise, are just acts. A going through the motions. While
for a time that may be alright, it won’t last. I see many couples in my
practice that are coming because their marriage has turned into being
roommates rather than spouses.
So what can
you do?
- Be proactive. Use
the deviant skills for good. Rather than positioning yourself in order
to get a better look or steal a peek, do the opposite. Make it more
difficult to stare. Watch those you are around for cues. When an
attractive woman walks in now, I watch those around for their reactions
rather than watching her.
- Bounce your eyes.
Noticing other women is inevitable. Staring and looking her up and down
is avoidable. Whenever an attractive woman enters the picture, work on
your eyes bouncing from the initial glance to something else. Don’t
linger. Engage the people you’re with. Get back to whatever you are
working on. Get your eyes back on the road. By bouncing to something
else, you can limit the amount of wandering thought ammunition to the
brain.
- Be a man. The
person on the other end of your stare is a human being. They have hopes
and dreams, hurts and disappointments. She’s a daughter of Eve. The
manifestation of God’s beauty. She deserves respect. Even if she’s
flaunting her body to everyone, she deserves to be respected. On top of
that, she is the daughter of someone. If I begin to glare, I think how
I would feel were the glare directed at my own daughter. Any man who
doesn’t respect my daughter will have to answer to me.
- Rely on a band of brothers.
Surround yourself with like minded men. One of my friends I really
respect was great in this area. While playing basketball with him, when
every other guy on the court would take notice of the women coming and
going from the club, he would walk the other way or turn around. He may
have been poked fun of in the beginning, but he was respected by each
of the guys there in the end.
