I have to admit, I’m as lazy as the next person when it comes to relationships. Now there are times where I am the passionate, hopeless romantic. Thinking up numerous ways to woo my spouse and cater to her every desire. But for the most part, I just want her to cater to my desires, then go watch SportsCenter.

While there is a natural give and take involved in every relationship, once I came to understand the urges that drive a marriage, I have had a lot more time for mental laziness. Now before you call me a selfish pig or typical man, read the rest of this article.

My belief is that everyone has four drives that arise from deep within. These drives help the person decide their direction in life. While often these drives are used to help determine one’s career path or life goals, I am using them here to decipher what plays out in marriage.

The four urges are: blessed, blissed, pissed, and dissed.

Let me detail each briefly.

Blessed involves the outpouring of goodness and talent you may be gifted with. When it comes to relationships, one of the members will be better at the romantic side of things, remembering important dates and events, taking care of the details for the family, or taking primary care of the kids. Blessed also could be the model your parent’s relationship was for yours. The encouragement you receive from a mentor. The love you feel for your spouse because of their support and encouragement of you.

Blissed is the excited, joyful response you get when you think about the time you get to spend in your marriage. It is the response you feel when listening to good music. Or maybe reading poetry.  It’s doing whatever stirs something deep within your soul. Whatever turns you on, but not simply turning you on in the moment, it really fulfills something at your core.

Pissed refers to the areas in which you’ve been wronged or hurt. The stuff that makes you angry, upset, or just downright mad. Due to your exposure to these wounds, hurts, or frustrations, you will be more apt to recognize the same areas in others. Particularly your spouse. This could help you become more sensitive to others and their suffering, thus allowing for a closer connection.

Dissed means dissatisfied or disrespected. The times when you’ve been overlooked, taken for granted, dumped on one to many times. This also refers to the idea of being tired of the status quo.

With each of these drives, we are often motivated to action. And when this action is towards creation and design or towards solutions for current struggles, good things can happen. However, when the drive only produces complaints or disheartening, the worst in us will rear its head and cause damage to our spouse and ourselves.

So in which area does your drive primarily reside?

And, now that I’ve come to understand what my main drive is, what next?

Well, glad you asked. Head on over to The Simple Marriage Project for questions you can ask yourself to uncover more about your drives.

*This article has been adapted from Bill O’Hanlon’s work on possibility therapy.