How To Have
Curl Your Toes Sex
Love is an
irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost
If there ever
was an area that needed to be more openly discussed among married
couples, it’s this one: sex. It is easy to believe that every other
couple has no difficulties with the subject. That if you and your
spouse are having trouble when it comes to sex, you are the only ones.
You couldn’t be further from the truth. Every couple will experience at
least some difficulty in the area of sexual connection.
When it comes
to sexual connection, there are three categories of couples. The
sexually barren, the sexually average, and the blessed few. Membership
in these categories has little to do with physical anatomy. To be part
of the blessed few requires more of each person mentally, spiritually,
emotionally, and physically.
Couples who
fall in the sexually barren category often are not having sex due to
reasons other than physical incompatibility. They often have
resentment, bitterness, disappointment or all of the above directed
towards their partner. While these emotions may manifest themselves in
physical ways, the problem is not physical. It’s mental and emotional.
If it truly is a physical issue, there are medical procedures and
pharmacological products that may be tried. Viva Viagra, need I say
more?
The sexually
average are also not immune to these difficulties. Although they have
most likely had times when they felt a deeper connection they are
desperately trying to recapture the experience.
To reach the
promised land of the blessed few requires you to be more present not
only during sex, but also during life. You must grow up. And so must
your spouse.
Anyone beyond
the age of puberty is capable of having sex. But this doesn’t mean
you’re ready to handle all the components surrounding sex. Truth is,
most people aren’t ready for all the components. To do so requires much
more than you may think you are capable.
Even if you
have been having sex with your partner for years, for me it has been
almost 15 years now, isn’t there a part of you that gets a bit anxious
when it comes time for sex? Will I be turned down if I initiate? Will
everything go great? Will I be able to perform? Will I achieve the
connection I have desired for so long?
Sex is so much
more than just an act. Sex is a language. When you begin to look at
your sexual language, you will discover it is in line with how you live
your life. It will uncover the areas of your life where you are
insecure, scared, anxious, or even ashamed.
To begin the
growth required to be among the blessed few, work to be more present
with your spouse. Both during sex and the day to day interactions.
Speak up about what’s going on inside your head. Listen to your spouse
as they tell you what’s going on in theirs. It’s the fastest way to
better sex.
Better sex
doesn’t automatically create a better relationship, but the personal
growth required to enhance sex and intimacy will improve the marriage
in other ways. When you learn ways of maintaining yourself in your
marriage you will improve all your relationships as well.
Here are a few
ideas on creating a more passionate relationship.
- Let the best in you run
your life. If you’re like most people, you have a scared,
angry, vindictive, or lazy side that limits the quality of your
relationship. You don’t have to let that side of you run your life.
Instead, live from the resilient side of you. Remind yourself of what
is admirable, competent and good about yourself, and about your
partner. Seek to relate to your partner as though they are capable of
developing further as a person.
- Sustain eye contact with
your partner outside of the bedroom. This is a quick and
meaningful (but not easy) way to stay in touch with your spouse. Begin
with trying this during your conversations. Beyond this, make an
agreement with each other to look into each other’s eyes for at least
five minutes in a quiet, private place. This is not a staring contest.
Instead, take the time to really look into each other and let yourself
be seen. Expect to run into your own resistances. Note them in the back
of your mind. Discuss the experience with your partner. In time, this
will become a warm and inviting experience.
- Hug until relaxed.
This is a fascinating way to get more in touch with your partner and
yourself. Prepare yourself by settling down, relax, take a few deep
breaths and slow your heart rate. Balance yourself squarely over your
own two feet. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and relax more. When
the two of you are ready, open your eyes, without loosing your relaxed
balanced position, hug so that you have one foot between your spouse’s
feet. Get close enough to easily put your arms around your spouse
without feeling off-balance, or pushing or pulling them off-balance.
Let yourself relax into the hug and continue to breath. Lots of
feelings about your partner, yourself, and your relationship are bound
to surface. Note the resistances but don’t give in to them. After the
agreed amount of time has passed, break the hug, then discuss the
experience with your spouse. In time, you’ll be amazed by the
improvements this brings.
- Make eye contact in bed. Building
upon the previous two points, try maintaining more eye contact in bed.
Start by lying next to each other, and gaze into each other’s eyes as
in tip #2. Seek to remain relaxed, focus on your partner and being seen
by them. If you feel the urge to touch your partner, touch their face
or hold their hand. Stay away from their genitals until you can both
reach a relaxed connection with some reliability. You can then expand
this activity to include foreplay and intercourse.
- Pay attention to depth of
involvement with your spouse during sex. When you and your
spouse are actually having sex, you are using one or more of three
psychological mindsets. You are focused on 1) physical sensations, 2)
playing out sexual fantasies, and/or 3) engaging your partner. Most
people seem to focus more on the first two. Instead, focus on engaging
your partner during sex. Pay attention to what they seem to be thinking
and feeling. Share with them what you are experiencing. Don’t just
simply try and bring him or her to orgasm. Try to establish a deeper
connection. Once you and your partner are good at engaging each other
rather than getting lost in your sensations or playing out sexual
scripts, you can work as a team to create terrific sexual experiences.
Sexual
compatibility is developed over time. “Curl-your-toes sex” does not
just happen by chance. It is co-created by both partners being more
involved, not just physically present. When more of you comes forward,
it is often greeted by more of your partner. This growth isn’t easy,
but it’s the only way to enter into the realm of the blessed few.
